The Adventures of Bepis Man

As I was perusing the newest releases on the blighted wasteland that is the Steam store, I came across a free game called Burning Daylight.  From its pictures, it looked like some sort of Inside or Limbo experience.  An atmospheric puzzle-platformer if you will.  As it turns out, Burning Daylight really wants to be like those other games, but doesn’t get anywhere close to their pedigree.  But, the one thing it has going for itself, is that I’ve been introduced to my new favorite character and best friend for life, Bepis Man.

I want to take you on the journey of Bepis Man, and help you get to know him the way I did.  Heads up, I am going to be spoiling the hell out of this game, so proceed with caution.

Let’s begin, shall we?


I was there when Bepis Man woke up.  He seemed very confused and wasn’t doing his walking very good.  But I guess the calming ominous lights in the background really motivated him to giddy up and go, although he didn’t control any better because of it.

I should mention, Bepis Man was totally nude.  Just letting his deempus just kinda wave in the wind.


Bepis Man faced off against a treacherous door puzzle that involved pushing a button on a wall, and then opening a door.  Bepis Man was very brave and did a great job.


While Bepis Man loved to show off his impressive member, the lack of clothes really seemed to grind his beans.  He was shivering, and even though Bepis Man was my favorite pangus-warrior, I knew that he needed pants if he wanted to stay warm.


Unfortunately for Bepis Man, there just wasn’t a slick pair of JNCO jeans anywhere in sight, but there were these cool Air Jordans he could snatch off a dead man.  Bepis Man being the nasty boy he is had no quibbles about slipping his meaty feet into those tasteful pumps.


Bepis Man, determined to warm his skin-pipe, found a hoodie.  It kept his northern regions nice and toasty, but unfortunately his namesake was still exposed to the elements.


You know what Bepis Man values more than a bitchin’ pair of pants?  Augmented Reality.  Thanks to another fallen and equally nude person, Bepis Man was able to get his mitts on the latest in AR tech.  The problem was, the batteries were all dried up.  We needed to find him a USB-C cord, stat.


There’s a very strict pants law in the world Bepis Man is from, and he knew he was committing a capital offense.  While he would’ve loved to get in the mix and do the electric slide with his pals, his bold new ways would just land him in pants-prison.


Bepis Man had reached his apartment, I think, and found a charging dock for his AR goggles.  But more importantly, there was a sleek pair of track pants just chilling on the ground, waiting to cover his exposed dingle-dong.


Bepis Man has an app on his goggles that he relies on way too much.  It’s called Pantslr, and it highlights the nearest set of pants.  Now Bepis Man was able to conform to the closed-minded (clothes-minded) society he was reluctantly a part of.


Apparently, next to the naked bepis factory is the set from Blade Runner.  Bepis Man was just as shocked as I was by this startling turn.


Bepis Man does not respect social norms, and will absolutely make it obvious that he is eavesdropping on your conversations.  Bepis Man just doesn’t give a fuck.


Bepis Man finds a place in the world where his bold, bepis ways might be accepted, nay, even encouraged.  Bepis Man is looking for love now that he found his pants.  It’s just so hard finding someone to connect with.


Bepis Man likes what he sees.


There is a pretty harsh turn from dumpster love to religious cults.  Bepis Man is confused and will be sneaking around this one.  He just isn’t a big fan of religious institutions.  Respects your beliefs though.  He’s a good dude like that.


The quest for pants and romance kind of got out of hand, and now Bepis Man is using his goggles to jack into the mainframe or something.  Bepis Man has become unto a God.  All hail Bepis Man despite his distaste for religious institutions.


Bepis Man visits the set from Indiana Jones where they stored the Ark of The Covenant.  He’s just a big fan of the original trilogy, and honestly, is kind of an apologist for the fourth one.


Turns out they were hiding more than just the Ark of The Covenant in this warehouse.  They got trees up in here.  Bepis Man has never seen such lush greenery, seeing as he was raised in Blade Runner-ville all his life.  It really is beautiful, although Bepis Man is also discovering he’s got a wicked pollen allergy.


Bepis Man finds large swimming creatures and wonders how big their meat-sticks are.  Is it the size of his?  Much bigger?  Is he the size of this creatures bepis?  He had so many questions.


Bepis Man finds the room where the X-Men keep Cerebro.  Is definitely curious to find more mutants like himself.


Gasp.  Bepis Man has found where they’re incubating the ultimate bepis-fighters.  His brethren are in those pods, begging to live a simple wing-wang based life.  Bepis Man will help the only way he knows how: by touching every button he can find.


Turns out, the buttons just flush the pod boys down the drain.  Bepis Man, you did a bad one there.  Really boned it up on that one.


Bepis Man comes face to face with his creator.  It’s another, older, Bepis Man who lives in a floating chair.


Wrinkly Bepis Man offers his Bepis son a choice: Become the Bepis-lord, or eat some apples.


Bepis Man loves apples though, and apparently eating an apple means you can’t then go sit in a chair.  Which quite frankly is bullshit, because I’m sitting in a chair and eating and apple, and it totally is doable.  Did you even try, Bepis Man?

Then I shit you not, the game just ends.  That’s it.  No bepis closure.  No explanation about what the fuck I just endured.  Nothing.  Just a blank screen.

I can’t really complain though, the game was free and it only ate up a half-hour of my life.  Which, considering I met my new best friend, Bepis Man while playing it, I’d say it was a net positive.

Burning Daylight is a game that wears its inspiration on it’s sleeve, and desperately tries to deliver a message about the dangers of gamification or something, and some weird jabs at vegans and religions, but I wouldn’t say it’s aggressively bad.  It controls poorly and can’t hold a stable frame rate, but there are worse games you can spend a half-hour with.  And besides, we got Bepis Man and his impressive penis journey out of it.

Thank you Bepis Man, and good luck, wherever you are.

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