The Bonus World

As someone who hasn’t played nor has no intention to play Death Stranding, it’s been fascinating to experience what essentially is a gigantic parody of it.  If you haven’t seen it, there’s currently a free game on Steam called Walking Simulator that’s basically one giant joke at Hideo Kojima’s expense.  It’s shallow, it’s stupid, and it isn’t fun, but it made me laugh and that’s gotta count for something.

With that being said, I’d like to take you on a journey.  Walk with with me through the frozen tundra of Walking Simulator.

We start with a quote, as all good video games do.  This is a powerful metaphor for sure, but in Walking Simulator, it’s a little more literal.

Welcome to Antarctica.  You’re first task, go deliver fuel and definitely don’t get distracted and accidentally spawn a bunch of enemies.  That would be tragic.

Dang.

Not a problem though.  Those fools can’t run and I totally can.  Time to take my Jenga tower of boxes on a trek through this frozen wasteland.

There are two very important things to know about Walking Simulator.  The first is that random packages and enemies will spawn around you if you’re moving slow enough.  You’re gonna wanna pick as many of these up as possible.

The second is that I don’t think there’s a limit to how much stuff you can carry.

The people in this building are gonna be so impressed with my very good package tower.

This custodian is not impressed by my objectively good tower, nor are they phased by the cold weather at all.  They should send this guy out there instead of me.

After dropping off my very important packages, not only did I get more, but I got the chance to buy energy drinks.  I tried one and I’m pleased to report that they give you superhuman running powers for a limited time.

Is it cool if I take this?  I’m just gonna take this.

This is so much better than running.

This bad boy is a little squirrelly on the controls front, but I can handle it.

Ah shoot.

Stuck the landing though.  Pretty sweet if I do say so myself.

Yo, it’s Greg with Postmates.  You want me to leave this outside or what?

Not gonna lie, this is simultaneously the coolest and lamest office I’ve ever seen.

But hey, any office where I can get a jet-pack is worth visiting, if you ask me.

Oh this mountain doesn’t stand a chance now that I have this drone strapped to my back.

He’s doing it!

Fuck.

Ouch.

Dammit.  I just want to get to the top of this horrible mountain.

Hell yeah baby, it’s happening!

Good enough.

I really should have listened to this.  I really, REALLY should have.  It didn’t get better and they tried to warn me about it.

I’m too far in though, I need to see this stupid game through.

Really wish I could use my jet-pack while riding this snowmobile and turn myself into the worst plane that’s ever existed.

If the snowmobile controls this terribly, I can only imagine how poorly the truck I’m going to pickup is going to be.

More cargo.  Love it, love it.  Absolutely loving how the cargo is also definitely tied down and won’t become an issue while I’m driving nearly 4000 Walking Simulator miles.

This isn’t me being fancy with the camera.  This is me spinning in circles while going 60 miles per hour in the snow.

God dammit.

Can you guys not?  I’m trying to pick up the things I dropped.

I could have sworn I had two of these in the truck.

Turns out, these containers just explode.  Good thing two of them are strapped to my back inside the truck.

Another flawless delivery in the books.  Now to… go back to where I started?  Okay…

Buddy, really?  I don’t even have anything except this terrible truck.  And no, even though I called it terrible, you can’t have it.

I wonder what they’re gonna have me do next.

Trucks can survive a couple of barrel rolls, right?

Oh… you just want me to do the first mission again, huh?  I think I’m gonna follow the advice you gave me a while ago and just not play this thing anymore.

Walking Simulator isn’t a game of substance in any way, shape or form.  It purely exists as a method to dunk on the tepidly received Death Stranding that came out last year, and by that metric, it succeeds.  As someone who hasn’t played Death Stranding, I can confirm that this is exactly what it’s like.

In all honesty though, Walking Simulator is genuinely not worth your time, even at the low price of zero dollars.  I’m kind of angry with myself for playing it for the hour I did, but I got a couple of laughs out of it so I guess I can’t be too upset.

If you like Death Stranding, good for you.  If you don’t, that’s fine too.  I’m not here to cast judgements on your gaming preferences at all.  But there’s one last thing that I do want to show you that might just be the scariest and most sinister part of this whole silly game.

They’re going to put out more content for this ridiculous game.

What are the odds that this game goes from a complete parody, to a more full fledged product that people actually end up enjoying?  Like, I could definitely see the joke going so far that it wraps around to being something sincere.  Part of me thinks that with a little more polish and slightly more to do, Walking Simulator could be fun in a weird way.  Then there’s the other part of me that hopes I never have to boot this game up ever again.