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Review: Marvel’s Spider-Man

It’s been a while since I’ve played a game that’s compelled me to devour it the way Marvel’s Spider-Man has. I frequently found myself racing from mission, to collectible, to crime scene and back again for hours on end, with the “just one more” mentality propelling me forward. But it wasn’t because these objectives were particularly interesting or exciting, rather it was because just being Spider-Man was fun, and I was willing to use any excuse to continue playing as him.

Marvel’s Spider-Man is kind of like a really good pizza with pineapple on it. You had this amazingly well-crafted pizza, but you went ahead and sprinkled some bullshit on top of it that made me enjoy it less. It wasn’t bad, but the toppings could have definitely been better. In this case, the presentation, mobility, combat and even the story are the pizza, and most of the side stuff is mediocre at best; just like pineapple on a pizza.

the stealth is simple, but satisfying

The mobility itself is phenomenal, striking a good balance between physics-based momentum, and fluid animations that blend together incredibly well. There are certain upgrades that allow you to add additional layers of complexity to your web-swinging that may seem superfluous at first glance, but the expanded move-set allows you to traverse New York City faster, and more stylishly than ever before in a Spider-Man game.

While the swinging mechanics are phenomenal, the combat in Marvel’s Spider-Man is just as well done. Combat is almost identical to that of the Rocksteady Batman games, even down to the button prompts for melee finishers. This isn’t a bad thing though, considering the Arkham games have fantastic combat that translates incredibly well to Spider-Man. The big differentiator here is the focus on airborne combat. Swinging kicks, launching uppercuts, ground-pounds, air-juggles and more, are all vital moves when facing Spider-Man’s foes. By the end of the game, I was chaining together massive combos that would rarely ever see me touch the ground, and it was easily one of the most satisfying aspects of my time with it.

“Spider-Man throws up gang signs.” – J. Jonah Jameson

All of these elements are crammed into a beautifully rendered, yet a little lifeless version of New York City. The story does a decent enough job to justify why gangs are having gunfights in the middle of Times Square, but it’s still a pretty big stretch to justify those actions. The story itself is a nice re-imagining of Spider-Man and his villains, remixing events and timelines to form something unique and interesting while also telling a fairly intimate story about Peter Parker and the people closest to him.

However, one of the biggest issues with Marvel’s Spider-Man stems directly from some of its missteps in translating the storytelling into compelling gameplay. In this version of the Spider-Man universe, Peter Parker and Mary Jane are no longer in a relationship, but are working together as colleagues to try and uncover the bigger mysteries in the game. What this results in is some very underwhelming stealth sequences as Mary Jane, where not only are you severely limited in your abilities, but you’re only course of action is to stay hidden. These sequences are incredibly promising concepts that rarely feel fleshed out and ultimately end up being some of the worst parts of the entire experience.

Divebomber-Man

But it isn’t just the stealth sequences that are less than stellar, a lot of the side activities you’ll do as Spider-Man aren’t exactly what I would call exciting either. Things like photographing landmarks, collecting old backpacks with Easter-eggs in them and research stations that make you traverse the environment differently, were fun to seek out and complete. But once you finish them, you’re left with drone hunts and bad “complete the circuit” mini-games which get really tedious, really quickly. If it wasn’t for the fact that completing these side activities provided you with specific tokens that unlock certain upgrades, they wouldn’t be worth doing at all.

It was the sheer act of just moving around as Spider-Man that was enough to keep me playing through the endless repeating side missions and incredibly dull stealth sections. That in itself is a testament to how well Insomniac Games nailed the feeling of being Spider-Man and combining that with a story that feels fresh, yet honors the legacy of the character. Despite its shortcomings, Marvel’s Spider-Man is still a tremendously fun game that no Spider-Man fan should miss out on.

Inspiration vs. Plagiarism

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In the wake of the Filip Miucin saga that’s unfolded over the past few weeks, I’ve found myself thinking about the broader implications of what he’s done and the effect it has on everyone in and around the games coverage industry.

In case you missed it, Miucin was an editor at IGN who published a review for Dead Cells that was found to be almost entirely plagiarized from a YouTuber named Boomstick Gaming. In response, IGN acted swiftly and fired him as well as removed his review. After posting a now removed “apology” video on his personal YouTube channel, he essentially challenged people to try and find more examples of his plagiarism, confident that there was nothing more to uncover. Much to the surprise of nobody, the internet found plenty of it.

So here we are, a few weeks after the impact of this bombshell and there’s been no shortage of opinions about the incident itself. The majority of the response to it has been in agreement that IGN did the right thing and that Miucin deserved to be fired. While I wholeheartedly agree with that sentiment, there is one thing that Miucin mentioned in his former “apology” video that still sits with me.

In essence, he asserted that all reviewers basically talk to each other about their opinions on the game they’re reviewing. Overwhelmingly I’ve heard reviewers say they don’t do that because it defeats the purpose of writing a review, which is to get the writer’s opinion on the product. They do their best to remove themselves from the conversations around a game so they can provide their own opinions on it, free from any external influences. A reviewer is supposed to relay their experience with the game to their audience in an effort to arm them with the information necessary to decide if a game is worth their time and money.

That kind of insight is great for consumers, but tough when you’re trying to build your own outlet that serves similar functions. I have to be conscious and make sure that what I’m writing is my opinion and not the one I heard on a podcast or in a video. Because if I’m just aping a review from someone else, then what’s the point of me doing this at all? It’s important to me to make sure that everything I write is in my own voice. Because if I want to show that I’m worth a damn as a writer, I have to be able to compartmentalize what the discourse around a game is and be honest about the experience that I’m having.

There is no excuse for plagiarism, but it’s easy for me to see how just following a reviewer or streamer can color your experience before you even have a chance to play the game. That isn’t what happened with Miucin and that isn’t an excuse to justify plagiarism. Instead, it’s a reminder to be more thoughtful about what you’re writing and being more aware of your actions.

The Space Billionaire of No Man’s Sky

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Recently I documented my early yet harrowing return to No Man’s Sky, but ultimately came away realizing I wasn’t far enough into the game to formulate any real opinions on the experience as a whole. Just as I was when it initially launched, I was overwhelmed and ill-prepared for the latest chapter in my space chronicles. Beset by barren planets, space cops, and hostile environments, I was just about ready to accept that No Man’s Sky was just not the game for me. That was until I met The Space Billionaire.

After the debacle that was my first attempt at exploring the universe, I decided to re-roll my character and get a fresh set of planets to explore. I still started off on a planet that hated me, but this one was a little bit more forgiving than the toxic wasteland that I initially started on. Luckily I spawned in right next to an outpost, which meant I’d be able to find a reprieve from the sweltering heat outside. As I set off to go find and repair my spaceship I received the notification that a player was joining my game.

This mystery player landed their ship right in front of me and I was fully prepared for them to try to blast me into smithereens repeatedly until I quit the game. Once they exited their ship, we stared at each other for a few seconds before I decided to play nice and wave to them. They waved back. I gave a thumbs up and headed over to the clearing where my broken-down ship was sitting. I’d survived the first contact.

At my ship, I went into my inventory to begin crafting the necessary components that would allow me to get off of this boiling planet and hopefully find one more welcoming. That’s when the stranger’s ship touched down next to me again, followed by four more. I genuinely thought this was going to be it for me, but I maintained my composure and went back to my inventory to craft more components. But there was a problem.

My inventory was filled with canisters of freighter fuel. Every available slot was packed with this mysterious item that I had absolutely no use for. The stranger then said to me, “you should sell those, they’re worth a lot of money.” It was then I learned that text chat was a thing and responded with the appropriate amount of gratitude for the gifts they’d bestowed upon me. “You should be able to buy a good class-A starship with that. Go and sell that stuff as soon as you can, and try not to die.” And just like that, they took off into the stars and vanished out of sight, and out of my game.

So there I was, a man with a busted ship and potentially millions of space-bucks to my name, slowly dying of heat exhaustion on this unexplored planet. I had no space in my inventory to craft anything that would help me survive, I just had tons of fuel for ships I didn’t own. I needed to get back to that outpost quickly and offload this stuff, not only for profit, but to literally save my life.

I arrived at the outpost, ready to begin my life as Rich Spaceman, the richest guy in this particular universe. That would’ve been the case were there actually a terminal for me to sell things at in this particular outpost. I had so much potential profit in my pockets, but no way to sell any of it. It was then I remembered that my ship had plenty of inventory space to put some of this stuff in, so I ran back to it only to discover that those were filled up too. These benevolent gifts were going to be the end of me.

But lo and behold, I had one space that wasn’t filled with fuel, but rather 2 pieces of salt that I’d picked up at some point. I obliterated that salt as quickly as possible, opening up a precious inventory slot that would allow me to craft the necessary components to escape this Twilight Zone-esque hell I was living in. With my ship repaired, I set off to the nearest space station to collect my not-at-all-hard-earned cash.

Now flush with way too much money, I made my way to the nearest planet which happened to be really darn nice. A lush landscape, overflowing with resources and devoid of any space cops. A place where the temperature is perfect 75 degrees all the time except for when the occasional boiling rainstorm comes through. This was the first time that I was able to really connect with No Man’s Sky and feel like I had some space to breathe and work at my own pace.

I haven’t actually spent any of my newfound millions yet and probably wont until I absolutely have to, but I’m more than grateful to The Space Billionaire and their philanthropy. Their generosity coupled with the luck of finding a peaceful planet so early have made me very excited to explore more of what No Man’s Sky has to offer. Although I do wonder what The Space Billionaire is up to now. I like to think they’re out there being an angel investor to somebody else in need, helping someone else trivialize a major portion of this game.

Thank you Space Billionaire. I’ll never forget you.

Coming Clean: I Will Never Play These Games

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I’ve been living a lie for a very long time now. I’ve deluded myself and maintained these misguided beliefs for years, and it’s high time I came clean and admitted the truth to myself. There are games that I own and have installed, that I will never play. For months and in some cases years, I’ve had these games ready to go at a moment’s notice. Now it’s time to let go, uninstall them and let them live on eternally as painful memories of money I once had.

So here’s some of the games I’m breaking up with.

Destiny 2

I recall playing in one of the beta phases of Destiny 2 and never playing it again. Having a less than stellar time with its predecessor, the beta made it abundantly clear that Destiny 2 was not going to be the game for me. Eventually it ended being one of the flagship games in a Humble Monthly offering and I installed it as soon as possible. Nobody I knew had Destiny 2 or had any inclination of acquiring it. Hell, I didn’t even want to actually play it, but somehow it sat on my hard drive for months. Now it’s time I let it go and move on.

Besiege

It feels like in order to properly enjoy Besiege I’d have to be an engineer, and that feeling was only reinforced when I’d look at some of the community creations on the Steam Workshop. People were making functioning tanks, fire-breathing dragons, and actual Transformers while I was having trouble making a cart with wheel that could turn. Downloading and playing with these creations is fun and all, but it’s nowhere near as engaging or satisfying as I imagine building them are. So it’s time I was honest with myself and admit that I will never learn to be good at Besiege.

Sid Meier’s Civilization VI

This is another Humble Monthly burden that’s been haunting my hard drive for a while. I don’t know what line of reasoning I used to convince myself that I’d actually play this game, but it must’ve been good. I historically do not play strategy games, especially hex-based ones, yet somehow Civilization VI has lingered on my computer for months. I feel kind of bad for never having even attempted to get into it, but I need to face the facts and just cut this one loose.

It’s here that I’m noticing that maybe the Humble Monthly subscription is to blame for most of my lingering, delusional installs. But that would be passing the blame, and that’s exactly what an addict would do.

Blackwake

Last month Blackwake was one of the three early unlocks for the July Humble Monthly subscription. In the wake of Sea of Thieves being a huge letdown for my friends and I, Blackwake was a game that we briefly looked at to get our pirating fix from. Being the only subscriber to the service in my friend group, you can probably go ahead and fill in the blanks as to why this one never got, and never will get played. At best, I have a passing interest in pirate-themed games, and one that relies on having multiple friends to play with is pretty much a nonstarter. So I’m cutting this one off before it gets anymore time in my library. Blackwake, I hardly knew you.

Undertale

This is more of a symbolic gesture considering that Undertale basically takes up no space on my computer. It isn’t that I had no interest in playing it, but having not played it when it first launched felt like I missed out entirely on the experience. If you were following anything gaming related on the internet, It was kind of impossible to not learn about the cool things that Undertale was doing. Everyone was talking about this game and how amazing it was, which is why I just felt like I needed to play it myself, but at this point I just don’t care anymore.

It feels good to finally free up some disk space on my hard drive, but it doesn’t change the fact that I could write a version of this article 300 hundred more times thanks to how much money I’ve wasted over the years on games I’ll never play.

I Finally ‘Get’ The Witcher 3

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It felt like a perfect storm of external forces all converged on me at once, pushing me into trying a game I had bounced off of several times before. After Skyrim and Fallout 4 failed to satiate my RPG cravings, it was the buzz coming out of E3 around Cyberpunk 2077 that served as the catalyst for me diving once more into The Witcher 3. Nearly thirty hours later, I think I can safely say that I am really enjoying my time with it… mostly.

My memory of The Witcher 3 wasn’t exactly positive up until this point. I distinctly recall being turned off in my previous attempts by the first few hours of the game. So instead of starting from the beginning, against my better judgement, I just picked up a year old save and ran with it. Most surprising is the fact that it worked. It’s probably worth noting that I guess I had cheated and boosted my level pretty significantly at some point in this save, which has made the combat incredibly easy.

Gotta shoulder check em’ to keep them off their rhythm

But the combat was one of the reasons I bounced off of The Witcher 3 in the first place. Even when I was fulfilling the power fantasy of being a legendary witcher and just annihilating anything in my path, the combat still felt loose and unresponsive at times. But trivializing the combat was what I needed to do in order to better appreciate everything else that people loved about the game.

It was when I accidentally walked up to the door of a random building that everything clicked for me. The door swung open and revealed a beautiful and detailed home adorned with several shelves that were packed with books and various baubles. Paint cans and brushes strewn across a table with a blank canvas waiting to be propped up on an empty easel. Around the corner was a bed and a large empty basin with a water pump next to it. This didn’t feel like a place where an NPC just stood in, but more like an actual home with the amenities needed for a person to comfortably live in this space. Just to be sure that my admiration was justified, I walked into every house in this city block that I could and found they were all unique in their own ways.

I could listen to this jam all day

As I continued deeper into the city towards my waypoint, I could hear the distant sales pitches of merchants, citizens complaining about the inequalities in their lives, a band playing a really awesome song, and a rather suspicious amount of cats hissing at me. This city felt alive in the way a city that was quietly being overrun with the meanest cats in the universe would be. Suddenly I came to a stop, yielding to a cut-scene of two people getting burned at the stake for practicing witchcraft. It was just as uncomfortable as you’d think it would be.

It’s here that I’d like to mention my first grievance with The Witcher 3. I really don’t like Geralt as a character. I don’t know the history and lore of Geralt outside of what I’ve seen in this game, but he just kind of sucks. I gathered that the witchers are supposed to be emotionless and only do what’s necessary for a paycheck, which seems to be contrary to a lot of what you see in the game itself. I find it odd that an emotionless mercenary like Geralt has any relationship options at all, as well as having dialogue choices that usually grant him options to be a more caring and understanding person. This wouldn’t bother me so much if maybe he just stopped bringing up the fact that witchers went through mutations to feel no emotions. Maybe the past games and books explain this stuff, but for someone like me who is experiencing The Witcher 3 in a vacuum, it just doesn’t make a lot of sense.

“I was genetically altered to kick your ass. Please go home though.”

But none of that is enough to make me stop playing altogether. I’ve genuinely enjoyed some of the story beats of The Witcher 3, even if there are plenty of times I had no idea what was going on. There are a lot of names and places to keep track of and it can get very confusing very quickly. But I was always ready to just accept my fate and go talk to whoever had the waypoint over their head. More often than not, the people I’d talk to were good at clarifying why I was there, and why it was important. That or they just wanted to challenge me to a game of cards or to race horses. The latter being one of the worst parts about the entire game.

This game still looks absolutely stunning

The Witcher 3 has the courtesy to let you opt out of most horse races, which is convenient because your horse, Roach, might be the worst video-game horse in history. This fucker is the absolute worst. The amount of times Roach has decided to not gallop when I hit the gallop button, or better yet, just stop in the middle of a pack of wolves, is unbelievable. Maybe when I spawned him in, he appeared behind a short, hoof-high rock wall or near a small bush. Well fuck me, because getting him out of that mess is going to be a challenge. But my favorite annoyance happens when I have the audacity to use the feature where Roach will auto-run and follow the road. This feature is a lie, and does not actually exist. Roach will ride on the road until he decides he wants to go on his own horsey adventures with or without you. Thank goodness for fast travel, or else I’d just end up walking everywhere.

Fuck you

I’m far from finished with The Witcher 3 but I know that if nothing else, I will see the credits for this game. I’m too invested at this point to just walk away from it like i had previously. In spite of my lack of enthusiasm for fantasy settings, CD Projekt Red has crafted a phenomenal game that I’m glad I can finally appreciate, albeit a few years late.

Early Impressions: Hot Lava

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Hot Lava is what happens when your childhood imagination runs rampant and tries to kill you. The people at Klei Entertainment are behind this parkour focused, Trials-esque game, and I am holding them directly responsible for my conflicting feelings of joy and anguish.

The intro sequence of Hot Lava is effective at establishing the tone of what’s to come. What began as me just playing with action figures on the couch, instantly escalated to my entire home being overcome with lava. Luckily all of my furniture and toys seemed to be flame retardant and strewn about in such a way that I could just platform my way out of that nightmare.

After some jumping and swinging across what once was a home, a fire demon revealed itself to be the catalyst for all of this mayhem. It took a big swing at me and everything went black. Moments later I regained consciousness in a now emptied out classroom that my character must have fallen asleep in. Once I regained control I found that I was now in the hub world of Hot Lava. It’s an unassuming grade school that for the moment, was noticeably devoid of any lava. After getting turned around a bit, I eventually found my way to the gymnasium where I found out that I was not alone.

Some other players had spawned into my game, all of them equally as confused and disoriented as I was. We eventually found our way to the gymnasium, where on top of the bleachers was a large fiery red door with a name and some stars on it. It was my gateway to some tutorial levels where I learned about jumping, wall running, swinging, air control and more. Once completed, I was told I had missed some collectibles and the faster time requirements to get all the stars. Every level from here on out was presented in this way, encouraging you to replay them until you had completed all of their challenges.

Now back in the school, it’s revealed that a new level has opened up… somewhere. It takes some doing but I eventually found it. This would be the routine for me every single time a new level unlocked. The hub world was unnecessarily difficult to navigate once I started unlocking numerous challenges and levels at once, but it wasn’t impossible.

Controlling the game itself was an entirely different matter however. It ranged from supremely frustrating when I was bouncing off of the tops of slanted lockers for discernible no reason, to insanely satisfying when I started stringing together long lines of jumps and swings. In the few hours I spent with Hot Lava, I never quite felt like I was 100% in control of my movements. I’m sure that with time and practice that will change and I won’t fall into the orange abyss as much. Luckily respawning at a previous checkpoint was a button press away and basically instantaneous.

That is until I got to, the bane of my existence, the “Chase the Grade” challenge. In this challenge, I had to keep up with a floating letter that would change from A to F depending on how far away I was from it. But not only did I need to keep up with that constant reminder of my imminent failure, there were no checkpoints in that level. Every bit of confidence in my abilities was chipped away piece by piece with every death I suffered. To make matters worse, the other players that would load into the level with me would clear it in one or two tries. Not only am I not good at this challenge, but now I feel bad about it too. Thanks guys.

Outside of that nightmare challenge, there was some light character customization that involved new accessories, hats and sprays for use on any of the 4 unlockable characters. While I did obtain these cosmetics via a loot box system, there didn’t appear to be anyway for me to buy them with real money. I could only buy a loot box through in-game currency that I collected from completing levels or just finding it in the levels and hub world.

Hot Lava is a good idea that’s well executed for the most part and I’m curious to see what it looks like when it’s further down the road and some of the rough spots have been ironed out.

Finding Joy in the Mundane

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Over the past few days I’ve really made a concerted effort to make my way through God of War. I genuinely do love that game but have found the toughest part about continuing my play-through of it to be just motivating myself to turn my PS4 on and dive back in. It’s a game that demands your undivided attention, but sometimes I just don’t have it in me to give it that. Sometimes I’d rather put on a TV show in one monitor and a more relaxing game in the other. A game that I barely have to pay attention to and go at my own pace.

This isn’t anything new for me though. I’ve spent almost 200 hours playing Cities: Skylines, and never once have I played without unlimited money. In the case of Cities: Skylines, it’s cathartic for me to just watch something I’ve made grow autonomously. I can glance over at it every few minutes and buy a new hospital or fix a traffic jam and then resume watching something else.

That’s not pollution, these are just thunderstorm factories

I remember doing this kind of thing a lot back when I played Star Wars Galaxies. There was a lot of grinding in that game, and trying to pay 100% attention to it was a sure fire way to get me to lose focus and fall asleep. I have friends who have done the same thing with World of Warcraft and other MMO games in the past and currently do it with games like Hearthstone.

It’s nice to be able to play something without having to be absorbed by it. Not so long ago I was using Car Mechanic Simulator 2015 for this very purpose. There was something satisfying about fixing customers’ busted up cars. It got even better when I had enough money to start buying rusted out husks of cars, repairing them, and selling them for an insane profit. I was putting the best parts on my cars, and using the limited customization options to put a unique spin on them. It was fun for a while until the lack of diversity in the cars and scenarios eventually got to me and I moved on.

With this Swiffer, I will conquer this room

More recently I’ve found a newly released game called House Flipper to fill the same void. In two days, I managed to blow through all of the built in scenarios and move on to the actual flipping of houses portion of the game. To preface, this is a game in which you are a handyman who is contracted to clean out abandoned houses, paint walls, install toilets and so on and so forth. You basically rebuild houses for people until you have enough cash to buy some gross homes, fix everything wrong with it, and sell it.

After 15 hours or so with it, I don’t think it is a very good game. It has some really bad performance issues, a ton of “jank” to it, and it’s missing some really core functionality. I should be able to see the information for the job I’m doing while at the house I’m working on. I should also be able to designate a room as a bathroom or a living room so a potential buyer doesn’t cryptically criticize my work while also being the highest bidder on the home. But despite all of these shortcomings, I really am enjoying the game and am eager to see what changes the developers make to it along the way.

Who says you need to move furniture to do construction?

I’ve had people ask me why I bother playing games like this when all they do is recreate a job I could actually do in the real world. It’s a valid point, I get that some people wouldn’t find any fun in playing these kinds of games when they could or actually do perform these tasks in real life. But I don’t think I would actually ever want to flip houses for a living or fix cars for that matter. I don’t actually have the talent or the tools to get those jobs done either. In House Flipper, they started me off with a home, some cash, clients, tools and most importantly the ability to paint walls by just clicking on them for 3 seconds. It’s the simplification and gamification of these tasks that really holds the allure for me.

These kinds of games aren’t for everyone, I get that. Some people get their fix from grinding levels in Destiny or by building up stats in The Sims. Sometimes you’re looking for something to really sink your teeth into, while other times you just want to play a more passive role. That’s what these games are for me, fun ways to waste time and still get a sense of satisfaction out of it.

Game of the Year Stuff

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Just like every site that does anything remotely related to video games, we’re arranging our game of the year stuff at the moment. We have a vague idea of how that looks and we’d like to give you a peek.

Instead of a stacked list from one to ten, we made some categories and asked our writers to fill them in to the best of their abilities. Since we didn’t have a huge amount of time to prepare or anything, there’s only five categories. This year is going to feel a little “ragtag,” We’ll course correct next year… probably. So without further build up, here’s the categories we’re working with this year.

Game of the Year

We all have our own special reasons for picking these games as the embodiment of greatness this year. Maybe it’s a story that knocked you on your ass, maybe it just feels good to play. Maybe you can’t quite describe it but you know it’s perfect to you. This is the game of your year, and no one can take that from you.

Bring Your Friends

There are some experiences that are just better when you’ve got some friends to share them with. The same thing can be said for games and this category is all about that very thing. These are games that were worth rallying around all year with friends and family, and just leaving you laughing and having a good time.

I Think Something is Wrong With Me

After everything you’ve seen and heard about this game you were preparing for the ride of your life. You were excited and eagerly anticipating its release. Then you started to play it and something was wrong. The game is good but it fails to connect with you. Reviews are phenomenal, your friends are raving, awards are being awarded, but you just have to sit there and accept that you’re the weird one and just don’t like this game as much as everyone else.

Swing and a Miss

A disaster, a flop, a failure, or just a disappointment. Whatever you want to call it, not all games that came out this year lived up to our expectations and this is where we’d like to highlight them.

Just Can’t Give it Up

2017 has provided a bevy of great games across various genres and platforms for players of all kinds to enjoy. In fact at some point one could even argue that there may have been too many games for any normal person to keep track of. Despite that, it’s sometimes nice to revert to something more comfortable and familiar. These are the games that have endured the barrage of releases and still manage to suck up some of our gaming time.

So that’s it. We’ll try to get some lists up by Christmas and hopefully you enjoy them. Till then, keep following us on Twitter and YouTube for more stuff.

I’m Just Not Good Enough for Absolver

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I suppose the most direct analogue to Absolver would be the Dark Souls series. I haven’t played enough of either games to make that connection myself, but at a cursory glance they seem to share a lot of the same mechanics. This is troubling for me because I’ve never been a fan of the Dark Souls games, mostly because I’m not up to their challenge. Also because I’m not a sadist.

Before I dive into why these kinds of games never worked for me, I should explain what Absolver is. Absolver is a martial arts based, action-rpg that is built around the idea of stance-based combat and customizing your combos. It all sounds really exciting from a distance, but the thing I wasn’t prepared for was the level of difficulty within.

I’ve got a million ways to kick your ass, just try me.

I’m sure for a seasoned Dark Souls fan Absolver presents a unique, yet surmountable challenge. But from the early stages I found myself bashing my head against encounters until the enemy randomization and placement became a little more forgiving.

A typical scenario would be me breezing through 3 or 4 enemies only to come up against Bruce Lee wearing a mask. No matter how many times I’d counter or dodge, Bruce would counter my counters and dodge my dodges and ultimately kick me into oblivion. Then I’d reload, only to find Bruce Lee had trained his buddies at the entrance of the level, and get obliterated again. A few more times of this and finally Bruce and his disciples had left, leaving me in the clear and able to stroll through the level.

That’s where my biggest qualm with Absolver is. I never felt like I was actually learning anything or getting any better. Every time I cleared an encounter or beat a boss, it felt less like I had used an arsenal of skills and more like I had gotten lucky.

Don’t knock my style

But this isn’t an Absolver or Dark Souls issue, this is a “me” issue. I’m not good at these games and as I get older I have less and less patience for them. I’m powering through Absolver as much as I can, but I know I’m going to hit a wall and eventually stop. I want to like this game so much, but I can’t. If I could feel a little more like a badass and less like I hit big at a casino this would be a different conversation.

This also feeds into the lack of difficulty consistency in Absolver. There’s nothing rewarding about handily defeating a boss, only to be dissolved by the nameless enemy waiting around the corner.

But then again, I only speak for myself. The fact that Dark Souls is a successful franchise that spawned it’s own genre is a testament to the fact that people want these kinds of games. Players have mastered them in ways that seem superhuman to me, and I know there will be people who dominate Absolver in a similar fashion.

Behold, the world is yours to punch your way through.

This isn’t to say Absolver is a perfect game that I just suck. The game has a lot of rough edges in terms of optimization and especially control issues. I’ve been using an Xbox One controller, and I can’t help but think that the right analog stick has far too many functions attached to it. For instance, we have basic camera control when out of combat, but once you tap the right bumper, you’re locked on to an enemy thus changing the function entirely. Once locked on, the right stick is your dodge or parry depending on what class you pick. But wait, there’s another enemy, hold the right bumper and move the right stick to target them. Oh no, you’re in the wrong stance, hold the right trigger and move the stick to change it, all the while dodging attacks and making sure you don’t fall into a pit or a pool of water.

It’s a lot to deal with all at once. Maybe I’m nitpicking, but these things all compound and make a game that requires a ton of precision feel less precise. That combined with the difficulty inconsistencies make me enjoy Absolver less and less. It’s a damn shame too, because it presents itself so well in terms of world design and art style.

I’ll probably fall from up there at some point.

But ultimately, this isn’t an indictment of the game, but of myself. Games like this just aren’t for me and have become increasingly more impenetrable as I’ve gotten older. Maybe my patience has worn out, maybe I just don’t have the time to practice, but I know that I’ll never “git good,” and I’m totally fine with that.

I’m a Soccer Master Thanks to Behold The Kickmen

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Behold The Kickmen is an incredibly accurate representation of what soccer is, if it was described to you in a foreign language, from space. Now, I don’t claim to be a sports enthusiast. I used to play football and basketball when I was younger, but those days are long behind me. Occasionally I’ll dip my toes into an NBA 2K or an NHL 20XX, but I can’t say I’ve followed those sports in a long time. I suspect Dan Marshall, developer of Behold The Kickmen, is in a similar boat with soccer.

When I arrived at the main menu, I was presented with three choices. I could start a career, jump into a quick play game, or try the tutorial. I opted to go for quick play, so I could figure the mechanics out as I went. That’s when the personality of Behold The Kickmen really started to expose itself. I received an incredibly smarmy, yet accurate pop up notification saying that I should probably try the career mode first, as it slowly would teach me mechanics over time. I complied and attempted to start a career, and was greeted by another message with an even thicker coat of smarmy-ness drizzled all over it.

Fine, I’ll play your damn tutorial.

Oh, I see what we’re doing here.

After my lovely experience with the tutorial, I was finally ready to jump into a career mode. I was given the opportunity to rename my team, and so Flankstank United was born. I was also given the chance to rename my star player, but I let him be.

So there I was, ready to play some soccer, except wait, Behold The Kickmen suddenly became a visual novel. Star player, Joey Flash, had some demons that his bitter rival Pedro kept taunting him about. Meanwhile, the coach of Flanksteak United seems to know less than I do about soccer, which to my knowledge is a requirement of being a coach. My goofy soccer game turned into a soap opera in an instant, and I couldn’t have been happier.

After the drama died down temporarily, I was able to play what seemed more and more like a mini-game in this entire package, soccer. Or some version of soccer I suppose. Remember when I said Behold The Kickmen was an accurate representation of soccer? I lied. Sure, there’s a ball and two goals, but I don’t think that actual soccer is played on a circular field. Nor do I think the “offside” rule just randomly occurs mid game punishing a played for being too far to the left. But hey, I’m not a soccer fan so I can’t say for sure.

For all the jokes and guffaws, Behold The Kickmen actually has some interesting mechanics. For instance, there’s a combo meter on screen at all times that accounts for passes, shots and tackles. You keep the chain going and eventually finish the combo off by scoring, or as the game calls it, having “Done a goal.” Finishing the combo grants you cash, and cash is key to growing your team.

In between matches and soap opera segments, you can take your hard earned cash and spend it on upgrades for various aspects of your team. Whether or not those upgrades actually affect gameplay is a question I have to ask, because I don’t entirely trust this game. But I hope at least one of the upgrades works, because when you start out, your players run painfully too slow and I would very much like that to change.

You can also unlock abilities like passing and sprinting (yes those are abilities) in career mode as well as things like advanced tackling techniques and being able to control the ball mid flight. You can also edit a 4-4-2. which I’m sure means something in real soccer, but once again, I don’t trust this game.

Behold the Kickmen may not be a hyper-realistic simulation of the world’s biggest sport, but rather a perfectly fine arcade style soccer game with a great sense of humor. It doesn’t have any multiplayer which is a little disappointing, but isn’t any worse of a game without it. The career and story mode seem to be the main draw thus far, and the writing is funny enough that I’m more than willing to stick it out till the end to see how it pans out.