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E3 2019: Ubisoft

One thing you can always count on from a Ubisoft E3 conference, is it’s gonna be weird, people are gonna be dancing, and they’re going to continue to act like their games are apolitical. So here we go, let’s take a look at the stuff Ubisoft brought to the stage that I considered worth writing about.

Keep in mind, a lot of this conference was about updating the games they have out at the moment, and considering I don’t really live in any of those ecosystems, don’t expect to see much of that in the feature below.

ODE TO A SOUNDTRACK THAT NO ONE REMEMBERS

Opening the show was something called the Assassin’s Creed Symphony, playing a lovely medley of of what I assume is music from the Assassin’s Creed games. A weird choice considering this year we’re not supposed to get a new entry in the franchise, and also, I don’t know that any of the music is particularly memorable. It’s good music for sure, but not something I could ever recall if you asked me to.

But the reality of it was that this was some hype for the Assassin’s Creed Symphony tour that’s coming up. That’s neat.

WATCH DOGS LEGION

I love the aesthetic that Watch Dogs Legion is hitting upon here, this slightly futuristic, post-Brexit London, where extremists and gangs rein supreme. Things are kicking off in a major way here though, with so many different gameplay elements being highlighted. Particularly the part where they went from playing as a street thug, died, and then started playing as an old lady. She’s a hacking old lady who used a freaking drone that’s just jumping on people’s faces. Then she pulled out a gun an iced some fools.

The whole pitch here is that you can play as anyone in the city. You recruit new resistance members based on their stats and abilities. Some people were better hackers, fighters, drivers, etc. It actually seems like an awesome idea that probably took a long time to make work well.

Slightly disappointing was the amount of gun-play in the game. I was hoping to see more focus on using your hacking powers and hand to hand combat than just shooting fools. Like, sure, in games shooting stuff is fun, but I was hoping that with the gun laws in London, that would be more apparent in the game.

Also, I’m very unclear of how an actual story will weave together when anyone can be a main character. Either that isn’t the case, or the story is going to feel so nebulous and vague that it feels disjointed.

After the gameplay demo, the director of the game reiterated the fact that anyone can be recruited and played as. I’m assuming that there are going to be pretty influential NPCs that will kind of shepherd whatever the player character is forward. At some point, player voices and backstories will have to be reused, right? It’s gotta be something where, there are like 5 different kind of old ladies in the world with their own voices and animations, and it reused over and over. Or not, who knows.

It’s out next March.

MYTHIC QUEST

It’s a show from the creators of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia about a game studio that made the biggest MMO in the world. Here’s hoping that at least an entire season or two focuses on unionization in the games industry.

20 bucks says that if this show goes well, someone will actually make this fake MMO game into a reality.

The show looks like it could be okay, but boy howdy it’s got one hell of a mountain to climb. It’s coming to Apple Plus, a service that I’ve only just heard of, right now.

BRAWLHALLA

The free to play Super Smash Bros game is getting some Adventure Time characters in it. I like both of these properties and it’s nice to see that they’re still supporting this game with new content. I gotta say, I don’t know if the show is still going or if it’s relevant at all these days, but it seems to be a cool content infusion for a game I forgot existed.

GHOST RECON BREAKPOINT

I didn’t hate Ghost Recon Wildlands, it was just a very repetitive game that I didn’t have people to play with. Jon Bernthal is in the game as the lead villain which he seems to pull off very well. After a CG trailer of Mr. Bernthal being angry and hyping up his army, he walked out on stage with an adorable pit bull who looked very scared of being there. I have no idea why he was out there, but I’m very happy he was.

Then we cut to a trailer of people shooting other people in the woods and doing some military hand signals at each other. I’d play this game only to get more of Mr. Bernthal’s acting. My only hope is that this time around, they put in a button that allows me to snap to cover instead of that auto-cover nonsense.

And here’s something for the hardest of the hardcore Ghost Recon fans, an exclusive streaming and content portal just for fans of the games. It was weird, but probably something the fans will really appreciate and hopefully actually use.

Yet again, there’s another Terminator crossover in this game, cause of course. It comes out on October 4th.

ELITE SQUAD

Uh, they’re making a Tom Clancy themed mobile game. It’s some tactical shooting game called Elite Squad. They put Sam Fisher in it which is the meanest thing they could’ve done quite frankly. This is what they do with one of their most recognizable characters – put him in a mobile game instead of his own title.

JUST DANCE 2020

They’re doing it! The big elaborate dancing sequence where a person in a panda bear costume comes out and dances with a bunch of other brightly dressed dancers. It was just as weird and uncomfortable as it always was. Thank goodness for Ubisoft.

Also, I guess they’re putting another one of these games out this year. Whatever.

RAINBOW SIX QUARANTINE

How do you feel about a spooky scary Rainbow Six game where you and two other players take on some monsters or something? Claiming this to be the Rainbow Six Siege of PVE games, it’s a big claim that I bet could work well. It’s weird though, cause Rainbow Six was always about some tactical, military realism, and this very much seems like a departure from that.

Hopefully it works out well for them.

UPLAY +

You know what this is. It’s another game subscription service you can pay into to play all the latest releases along with a catalog of classic games. The service is coming to Stadia, allowing you to utilize this service anywhere in theory. The price is in line with other services like this, at $14.99 a month, it seemed almost inevitable that this would happen.

ROLLER CHAMPIONS

“A skill-based, team PVP sports game.” That’s what they said about the game. With no real details, they came out and just dropped this trailer for a game without any real information, then said that you can download a demo for the game today. So that’s cool. Then, almost as if they had messed up and announced the demo too early, they showed off a gameplay trailer, which also didn’t tell me anything about this game.

It looks like a mesh of NFL Street and a roller derby. I’ll try the demo though. Why the hell not?

GODS & MONSTERS

The last trailer of the conference was for a game that I guess exists that had absolutely no information about it. It was colorful and made it seem like it would be a more lighthearted adventure game in the vein of Assassin’s Creed. They said it’s a game that heavily focuses on mythology. So who knows what that means.

And it just ended. For a Ubisoft conference, it felt kind of lifeless and straightforward. Also, where the hell is Splinter Cell? It’s getting to the point where they keep putting Sam Fisher into their games, without providing players any modern context for who the character is. The last Splinter Cell was in 2013 and was on the Xbox 360. We’re rapidly approaching the point where we’ve had a generation without a game in the franchise, but the lead character has shown up several times.

What I’m saying is that it’s a crime that there isn’t another Splinter Cell game, and I’m upset. But Watch Dogs Legion looked cool. The rest of the conference was a little muted for my taste. It felt like they’re playing it safe until the next generation of consoles come out.

E3 2019: Devolver Digital

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Devolver Digital is a weird as hell company that publishes some pretty amazing games. I usually don’t enjoy their conferences cause they try way too hard to be funny, but I’m not here for that, just their games.

FALL GUYS

I have no idea what this game is about, but it looks like it could be a neat little party game. Historically, party games suck, but maybe this one will be the exception to the rule.

DEVOLVER BOOTLEG

So for a price, you can go to Steam, to buy this bootleg launcher that plays bootleg versions of Devolver games. It’s actually kind of a novel concept. It allows you to play knockoffs of games like Enter the Gungeon, Hotline Miami and others. This is very much my kind of game, and I can’t wait to play these raggedy versions of the games I know.

CARRION

Consider this, you’re a nightmare tentacle monster tasked with consuming everything in your path. It’s bloody and gory and looks super satisfying. Also it’s out next year on PC and console.

ENTER THE GUNGEON: HOUSE OF THE GUNDEAD

They’re making a literal light-gun game for arcades based on Enter the Gungeon. That actually looks like a neat idea. I wonder how many arcades will pick it up though, cause I doubt the name recognition around Enter the Gungeon is that high. But whatever, it’s a great idea that I hope pays off for them.

THE MESSENGER: PICNIC PANIC

There’s a new, free expansion for The Messenger coming out on July 11th that looks like the perfect excuse to get back into that game I enjoyed so much from last year. It’s a tropical spin on what might have been one of the coolest side scrolling action games of last year. And hey, free is the exact right price for it.

MY FRIEND PEDRO

I’ve been so excited for My Friend Pedro to come out, and on June 20th it finally is. It’s a side scrolling shooter based entirely around the concept of bullet time and being an unbelievably efficient killing machine. Things like riding skateboards and shooting dual uzis, or throwing a frying pan in the air to ricochet bullets off of it into dude’s brains are just some of the cool features of My Friend Pedro.

As always, it only lasted a few minutes, but managed to deliver one or two interesting things. For instance, The Messenger expansion looks awesome and Carrion seems like an extremely cool game. Otherwise, I just can’t reiterate how much I hate their sense of humor that they pump into their conferences. This time it ended with a Terminator themed thing that is just tedious.

E3 2019: Bethesda

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I feel like a broken record every time I mention it, but Bethesda and I don’t have the best relationship, but I’d love for them to put out a game that could change that. That being said, these are the things that Bethesda showcased this year that they showed off.

THE APOLOGY TOUR

The first montage of the conference focused on some of the developers across various Bethesda studios. So many of the lines in this montage felt like they were saying, “Our bad.” Particularly the line, “you keep us in check,” and “you’re not afraid to tell us how you feel.” It was pretty funny.

Todd Howard also stepped out and joked about the “excitement” they’ve experienced this past year. Then he decided to highlight Fallout 76 and the “well deserved criticism” they received from it. I couldn’t tell if this was all drenched in sarcasm or not. Shortly after, they pivoted away from talking about Fallout 76 for a bit.

THE ELDER SCROLLS: BLADES

They announced some updates for their mobile Elder Scrolls game, but more interestingly was the fact that it’s coming to The Nintendo Switch. I haven’t played much in the way of Blades since it first launched, and while this doesn’t look like the thing to bring me back, it’s nice to see them still supporting the title. As far as I remember, when the game launched, it was filthy with timers and free to play trappings that severely impeded your progress. Hopefully that isn’t the case anymore.

FALLOUT 76

The fact that this portion of the show didn’t start with people just apologizing is unbelievable. But here they were, announcing an update for the game that actually gives people what they want from the game, notably, NPCs and dialogue trees. Arguably, something that should’ve been there from the start.

New rewards and a new main quest were talking points. I did like how they tried to spin this as an intended thing they were going to do all along.

This update comes out this fall, and from June 10-17 there will be a free trial.

Then there was a “one more thing” moment in the form of a new mode. Surprise everyone, they’re putting a battle royale mode in the game. Enjoy that wonderful Fallout gun combat that everyone raves about.

GHOSTWIRE TOKYO

People are vanishing in Tokyo and you need to find out why. That’s the core conceit of Ghostwire Tokyo. The trailer showed people just vanishing in malls, buses, trains, in the streets and so on and so forth, leaving only their clothes behind. The game looks weird and spooky in a good way. They came out and said it isn’t a survival horror game, which has been the main reason I’ve stayed away from Tango’s games, but this might just do it for me.

There weren’t any other details aside from the CG trailer they showed, but I’m interested in seeing what it turns into.

THE ELDER SCROLLS ONLINE

I wish I liked this game more than I do, but it just didn’t do anything for me. But it seems to be flourishing and continues to grow and gain traction. Good on them.

I should mention at this point, that the crowd has been buck-wild this entire time, shouting at and over the presenters on stage. It’s hilarious, but incredibly disruptive, causing the presenter to pause every time some yells “WOOOO!”

They also teased several upcoming expansions that all have names that I can’t remember. Also the “WOO!” guy has been absolutely exhausting.

Watching the arc of ESO has been interesting. When it launched, I don’t remember it setting the world on fire. But since then, it’s been supported like crazy, and held in pretty high regard as a good example of how to run a live game.

Part of me wants to give the game a shot again, but the rest of me knows that I won’t actually follow through.

COMMANDER KEEN

A free to play mobile game in the style of a Saturday morning cartoon. A re-imaging of one of Bethesda’s earliest games, this mobile game looks like a combination of Doodle Jump, Ice Climber, and some sort of strategy and tower defense game. I don’t quite know what to make of it. I’ll try it though.

THE ELDER SCROLLS LEGENDS

It’s a card battling game on your phone that they’re adding some stuff to. What do you want from me? This is so far beyond things that I care about, it’s a wonder I even wrote this much about it. You probably already know if you’re into this kind of game. You can download it on your phone, now.

I only know of a few people who are deep into card games, and I don’t think I’ve ever heard one of them mention Elder Scrolls Legends, once. I wish I could say more about the product as a whole, but it’s just so far out of my wheelhouse that anything I said would just be wild speculation.

RAGE 2

Here’s some more content for this year’s most averagest game ever. Before it released, Rage 2 sold itself on a tone of over the top antics and action that wasn’t ever really present in the game. The promise of a wacky apocalypse never was fully realized, and what should have felt like a fun romp through the wasteland, felt more like a decent shooter in a lifeless world.

With that said, considering they’re showing more gameplay related to the wackier aspects of the game, I’m willing to bet that even if this DLC isn’t a response to some of those criticisms, future ones will be.

WOLFENSTEIN

I love that they opened with the phrase, “Nazi scum” and everyone cheered. First they announced a VR rail shooter called Cyberpilot where you sit in a Nazi mech and shoot Nazis like you should.

Then they showed off Wolfenstein: The Young Blood, touting how you can kill Nazis with a friend, offering co-op gameplay for the first time. They really hammered home the killing Nazis point. That’s a good message.

As with previous entries, the gun play looks really good and exciting. Hopefully this time around I don’t have to hit a button to pick up every single piece of ammo and armor I find on the ground, but I know you actually will.

It comes out on July 26th.

DEATH LOOP

I’m not sure what this game is about, but it looks like two people trapped in a place that has them stuck in an endless loop where they kill each other over and over. I have no idea what you do or how it plays, but the concept is cool. They promise that there is endless possibility in the way you approach missions and objectives, but without any gameplay, it’s all speculative.

ORION

I don’t quite understand what it is, but Orion is said to be a middleware solution for streaming platforms like Project X-Cloud and Stadia. They say it’s going to lower latency and decrease bandwidth cost for these streaming services. I don’t understand what the hell it actually is, but apparently it’ll help these big companies do better? Who knows. This was the weirdest portion of the show.

DOOM ETERNAL

Hell man, what do you want me to say about Doom Eternal? It looks rad and just as satisfying as the last one. They showed off a lot of different traversal options that play into platforming, but there was also a lot of killing stuff drizzled on top for good measure.

What made Doom (2016) so good was the fact that it was all about aggression. You couldn’t play conservatively, you had to be on the attack constantly. It was what made that game so special. It made you unlearn what you had learned about FPS games where taking cover and waiting for an opening, and just going at enemies at all times. The more aggressive you were, the more health and ammo you were rewarded with. It was a refreshing take on the FPS that I really enjoyed.

From what I can gather, Doom Eternal is adding a lot of combat variety in the form of status effects, like setting dudes on fire, will result in different kinds of resources popping out of their lifeless husks.

Oh, also they’re doing the Halo 3 thing where the collectors edition comes with a Doom helmet. But you can actually wear this one.

Then they announced a mode for Doom Eternal called Battlemode. In this mode, 1 fully kitted out Doom slayer will go up against 2 player controlled demons, who can summon other demons and go head to head with the human player. It’s an asymmetrical multiplayer mode that looks interesting, but there wasn’t much in the way of actual information.

And then it ended. Without a musical number, without a “one more thing” moment, it just ended. The conference was interesting, with some light surprises sprinkled throughout, but all of the new stuff they showed lacked any context or actual information, that it was hard to get amped for these things.

E3 2019: Microsoft

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Microsoft took the stage at this year’s E3 with what might be the most exciting and interesting lineup of games, hardware and services. With so many of their initiatives coming to a head, between streaming services, announced games from purchased studios, possibly new hardware reveals, and the fact that their main competition isn’t attending the show, Microsoft has nowhere to go but up.

Preamble aside, this is what they brought to the biggest stage in gaming this year that caught my eye.

THE OUTER WORLDS

They opened the show with some new footage from The Outer Worlds, the Obsidian, Fallout style first-person RPG. Personally, I’m not a big fan of the Bethesda style game, but the setting and scope of the game itself was a very attractive prospect.

The sci-fi trappings of this first person action RPG looks right up my alley aesthetically, and the gun play looks like it didn’t suck, which would be a nice change from every Fallout game. Also, I watched the player just shoot a quest giver in the chest, so this game looks like a blast. It comes out October 25th of this year.

BLEEDING EDGE

Next up was Ninja Theory’s, Bleeding Edge. It’s a 4v4 melee focused competitive multiplayer game. It looks like a blend of Borderlands, Overwatch and For Honor. There wasn’t much in the way of details, except that it has attitude. Gnarly.

ORI AND THE WILL OF THE WISPS

The sequel to the very good Ori and the Blind Forest was once again, shown off, boasting it’s signature beautiful art style and tight platforming. In this short trailer, there wasn’t much in the way of information, but if it follows in the footsteps of it’s predecessor while iterating on some of the more irritating aspects of the game, then this could be a homerun. It’s out February 11th of 2020.

MINECRAFT DUNGEONS

Next we were onto that Minecraft game that’s a dungeon crawler, apltly named Minecraft Dungeons. It’s a 4 player coop dungeron crawler that looks neat. I think the art style works with the isometric camera, and I gotta hand it to them, it’s a fairly cool concept that works well within the world of Minecraft. It’s due out next spring.

STAR WARS JEDI: FALLEN ORDER

We got to see more of Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order, but there wasn’t much in the way of new footage. Instead, it looked as if it was made from the full demo they showed yesterday at EA Play, chopping it down into a more bite sized and exciting package. There were flashes of new footage, but nothing that really expanded on what was shown at EA Play. It releases November 11th of this year.

BLAIR WITCH

They showed off this spooky trailer with a dude running into a shack in the woods, where he was definitely going to die. There was also an adorable dog that traveled with him, that I’m sure is going to die, which makes this game an instant pass and also it gets 0/5 stars for even putting that idea in my head. That’s the official review for a game that comes out on August 30th.

CYBERPUNK 2077

The very anticipated Cyberpunk 2077 made an appearance in the form of what I assume is a cut scene in the game, it’s hard to know for sure though. There were lots of half robot people with guns, a self driving car, a robo-fist-fight between two men, lots of bleeping out of the bad words, a woman who can hack with her mind, and KEANU REEVES. And then Keanu Reeves, not content with blowing the minds of everyone for just being in the game, walked out on stage.

He was charming and wonderful and is precious and I love him. The crowd was eating it up, and so was he. Then he gave us the release date by striking an emphatic pose while pointing to the big screen that flashed to some more gameplay, quickly followed by an April 16th, 2020 release date.

I am very excited about Cyberpunk 2077 as a fairly recent convert to the camp of CD Projekt Red, and as you can probably guess, the grimy sci-fi aesthetic is definitely my jam.

BATTLETOADS

Hell yeah baby, the Battletoads are back and they look like a Disney Afternoon cartoon. It’s a 3 person co-op brawler that has no release date. Hopefully, it’ll be as good as I remember Castle Crashers being. Realistically, it’ll be the best Battletoads game, but that isn’t saying much.

ID@XBOX MONTAGE/GAME PASS

A bunch of games were announced and highlighted in this ID@XBOX game montage. A lot of the stuff looked really cool and up my alley. I plan on investigating some of these games more in-depth at some point, but for now, just enjoy the trailer.

The montage was followed with the news that the games in the montage were all going to launch day and date on Xbox Game Pass.

They also announced that the entire Master Chief Collection is coming to game pass on PC, along with the news that the PC game pass launched today, and they’re bundling both Game Passes and Xbox Live Gold for $14.99. Which honestly, is a pretty great deal.

MICROSOFT FLIGHT SIMULATOR

Powered by Google Maps, there was a lot of pomp and circumstance around this iteration of Flight Simulator, and honestly, it looks absolutely solid and something that I could definitely see myself dumping an obscene amount of time into.

I’ve never been a big, “plane guy,” but I am definitely a, “seemingly mundane simulator game guy,” and this speaks to me in that regard.

THEY BOUGHT DOUBLEFINE PRODUCTIONS/PSYCONAUTS 2

With the announcement that Microsoft had purchased Double Fine, they celebrated their union by showing us a new trailer for Psychonauts 2. The game itself looks just as phenomenal as I’d hope, and seems like it’s striking the right tone while boasting a fairly interesting story for the follow up to one of my personal favorite games.

Psychonauts is easily one of my favorite games based on it’s tight gameplay, and great humor. Hopefully, almost 15 years later, the sequel can illicit similar feelings.

DRAGON BALL Z KAKAROT

HELL YEAH SON, THEY SHOWED OFF THAT GOKU GAME. It looks dope as hell, and it would be the ten thousandth time I’ve experienced the first 100 episodes of that show. I know nothing about the game, how it plays, how progression works, how many sagas are represented in it, but I’m definitely getting this game.

12 MINUTES

Anapurna came to show a game that revolves around a time loop and an emotional and gut wrenching story. It looks like you’re reliving the same time loop over and over in an attempt to get it right and not watch your wife die. It’s being billed as an “interactive thriller,” which means I’ll probably really like it and confuse my friends by talking about it so much. Or, it’ll suck. Who knows? It’s coming soon apparently.

GEARS OF WAR 5

So they started off this Gears of War 5 trailer with some slight body horror stuff that was very uncomfortable to look at, and I’m not sure if Bound By Blood is the subtitle or just a catchphrase about the game, but whatever. After that profoundly disturbing sequence, it was clear that this presentation wasn’t about the story mode.

Instead, they blasted off some fireworks for a while and then zoomed in under the stage to show off a multiplayer mode that has you and your team plant a bomb in an enemy base and then escape from said base. It sure seemed like a lot of production and effort to go into just to show off a new mode, but whatever. Also, there were wrestlers under the stage who were gonna play the mode on Mixer, so that was bizarre.

Then there was a hip hop remix of Crazy Train that featured Lil’ Jon, I think? There was also a character who pulled out an electric knife and stabbed a bunch of fools which looked cool, but since it’s a CG trailer, who knows how it’ll actually play? From said electro-knife lady, I assume that this mode is a class-based affair, and one person is the gun-man, and there’s lady-knife, and probably bomb-dude or something. But that could be just me projecting.

It’s a three player focused co-op mode that looks interesting, but didn’t seem worth all the effort they put into showing it off. It all felt disjointed and weird and also if you preorder you can play as a Terminator. So never mind about the disjointed thing, this entire sequence was never “jointed” to begin with.

It releases on September 10th this year and can be played a few days early by buying the expensive edition or playing via Game Pass.

ELITE CONTROLLER II

They announced a new Elite Controller with more features, dongles, Bluetooth, a rechargeable battery and charging dock. It all seemed like smart innovations and needed redesigns, but will probably also be expensive as hell.

I really want an Elite Controller, but cannot justify paying $150 for a controller, no matter how good it is.

DYING LIGHT 2

A new trailer for the very exciting Dying Light 2 was shown off, focusing on choices and “remembering who you are” and other ethical quandaries. I saw a zombie climb the player like a ladder, so that’s uncool and definitely not welcome.

I liked Dying Light a whole bunch, but I felt like I lacked any agency and also hated the weapon durability system, although, to be fair, it wasn’t as egregious as it could’ve been. Still, I hate that mechanic in games, but for Dying Light 2, I can make an exception.

Also it’s out next year.

FORZA HORIZON 4

They rolled out a sports car made of Lego pieces to promote Forza Horizon 4 and their upcoming crossover with the toy manufacturer. Yes, Lego. Everything was Lego, people, cars, animals, fences, and other stuff were all made of those delightful little bricks. Not since Forza Horizon partnered with Hot Wheels, have I been more curious about playing a Forza game. It looks like a lot of fun and will be available on June 13th.

GEARS POP!

Bad. All of this is bad. It’s a mobile game in the vein of Clash Royale and looks terrible. Seriously, it looks gross, and appears to be little more than an attempt to suck money out of people. Also, Funko Pop figures are ugly and terrible.

PHANTASY STAR ONLINE 2

For a long time, a lot of people have been clamoring for this MMO to finally get localized and get a proper western release. I have no reverence for Phantasy Star Online or the MMO genre in general, so this doesn’t seem like anything I’d be interested in. It comes out next year and is exclusively coming to Xbox.

BORDERLANDS 3

I’ve made my thoughts on Borderlands as a series clear, and this trailer didn’t do much to change them. It looks exactly like what you’d expect from a sequel to Borderlands 2, which I guess is what people want. But in an age where games like Destiny and The Division exist, I’m curious to see how Borderlands 3 does against other loot shooters. I just wish they would have tried to do some more interesting things as opposed to just doubling down on what’s worked in the past.

They also released a new piece of DLC for Borderlands 2 to link the stories of the two games, which I’m pretty sure is free.

It comes out September 13th of this year.

GEORGE R.R. DARK SOULS (ELDEN RING)

With no gameplay and just an ambiguous as hell CG trailer, it sure felt like something both From Software and Georgie boy would make.

I don’t have any love for either From Software or the throne man himself, Mr. R.R. Martin, and this detail-packed trailer did nothing to sway those feelings.

STREAMING

They were extremely brief and vague when it came to their streaming initiative, Project X-Cloud, but it sounds like it’s launching this year, and you can even use your Xbox One as a sort of home streaming device, allowing you to stream to other devices on the same WiFi connection.

NEW CONSOLE

There was a lot of hype and boasting about the technology and connectivity around the next Xbox console to kick of this next segment. Focusing in on the more tech heavy bullet points like the processor in the console, ray tracing support, SSD inclusion, backwards compatibility and so on and so forth. No real visual element aside from various studio heads talking about how powerful this technology is.

The way they’re positioning this next console seems to be a direct response to how the Xbox One was lambasted upon reveal. Instead of superfluous features, they chose to focus on performance, and how it’s for games and gamers. Nothing about TV or movies which, while it almost definitely will support other forms of entertainment, won’t be a focus at all.

Releasing holiday of 2020, we didn’t get a name aside from the code name, Project Scarlet.

HALO INFINITE

Announced as a Project Scarlet launch title, we were treated to what I assume is a cut-scene from the game Halo Infinite. All I can surmise from this trailer is that, once again, things are bad, and Master Chief got saved by someone so that he can save everyone else. Also he misses he digital, blue, cyber-girlfriend who lived in his head for a while until she went bonkers.

And just like that, you now know the entire plot to all of Halo.

Then everything ended. It all just stopped. And not one mention of Fable at all! Sure we got Keanu Reeves, but I really, really wanted the Fable rumors to bear fruit. It’s all exciting stuff, but doesn’t solve the issue of big releases this year. They’ve got Gears coming this year, but not much else.

It really felt like the entire Xbox brand is just going to lay low for a while, restructuring it’s offerings and services, so that they can come back next winter to release an incredibly, fully featured console.

But next year, it seems like Microsoft is gonna hit consumers hard and make sure people feel good about the brand by the time the next console drops.

E3 2019: EA Play

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Despite the fact that E3 technically doesn’t start for a few more days, we’re here to kick off the whole shebang with EA and their series of live streams. The beginning of this year for EA was met with promise and praise thanks to surprise hit, Apex Legends. Soon after though, their tent pole release Anthem, belly flopped onto the scene and continues to be a tumultuous game.

With that said though, this is some of the more interesting things that EA brought to the table this E3.

STAR WARS JEDI: FALLEN ORDER

EA kicked off the show with arguably, the most anticipated EA game this year, Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order. Boasting 15 “uncut” minutes of gameplay footage. From the jump, I they showed off some wall running to meet up with Forrest Whitaker, presumably playing his Rouge One character. Some cool touches were things like seeing the character use his lightsaber and a light source in a dark area along with using force powers to clear platforming paths for yourself.

A lot of the combat encounters early in the demo looked like they were crafted specifically for presentation purposes, cause a lot of the basic storm troopers just kinda stood there, waiting to get stabbed.

Eventually though, a tougher enemy showed up, and there was this brief one-on-one moment that looked like something out of Dark Souls, which seems like a great way to represent and experience the gravitas of a lightsaber duel.

There was a lot of wall climbing and running, and frequent use of a time slowing power that I wasn’t aware Jedi had, but it looked cool.

Another neat thing was seeing the storm troopers face off against local wildlife. It doesn’t seem like something that will happen organically, but it was nice to know that these guys aren’t just solely waiting around for you to kill them.

There was a “high ground” joke made in the demo, so that was fun.

It seems to be implementing aspects from a lot of beloved Star Wars games, notably Force Unleashed and what little people saw of 1313. One of the cooler bits I saw was a storm trooper fired a laser bullet, the player slowed time, pulled the trooper closer to him, and put him in front of the bullet he fired moments ago.

What I didn’t get from the footage was a sense of scale in the game. The level they showed off seemed fairly linear, without much deviation from the critical path. I genuinely hope that isn’t the case and there’s something similar to how God of War handled it’s world.

The combat looked very interesting to me as well, also bringing up comparisons to God of War. Everything seemed deliberate and calculated, and the post reveal interview revealed that everything we saw was done on the fly. The example they used was when the player pulled an enemy close to them and drove his lightsaber through them, that wasn’t a canned animation, but rather the result of button inputs.

One of the more interesting aspects here is that there isn’t much in the way of variation of the story. Star Wars games typically lean into the light and dark dichotomy, but in Fallen Order, you’re playing a tailored story. That isn’t a negative or positive thing, I just find it interesting that a Star Wars game is foregoing that weird expectation this time around.

The game looks extremely satisfying to play. I hate to keep drumming up this comparison, but it looks like they took God of War 2018, and injected it with Star Wars. The game is set to release on November 15th, and I for one, am eager to get my hands on it.

APEX LEGENDS

People really like Apex Legends. In theory, I do too. But it just never got its hooks in me. So who better than I to talk about what they’ve announced for Apex Legends than myself?

They started by announcing a new event called, The Legendary Hunt which I guess is a ranked mode for those who want to be even more competitive in this battle royale game.

They also seem to be finally leaning into the cosmetic angles of a free to play game, by showing off what I assume are new skins.

Then they pivoted into their season 2 plans. It launches July 2nd and is called Battlecharge. Touting a new legend, a map event, a mode, a new battle pass and some balance tweaks.

For all the hype of a new weapon, it looks like an SMG that shoots lasers. I think it’s from Titanfall 2, but I can’t be sure. It seems to be very powerful and the interviewer seemed very excited for it, as is his job.

The battle pass is undergoing a lot of changes, making leveling easier and streamlining its usage. There’s also a competitive season ranked mode, in the vein of Overwatch ranked mode coming.

There’s some additional skins, but to honest, they all kind of looked lame. With the exception of the gun with a rhino head on the front of it.

And then they revealed a new character named Wattson. She’s apparently very smart and French, so that’s cool. She looks to be a defensive oriented character, capable of putting up laser fences and turrets. She looks like a tougher character to play because her powers are so interconnected to herself and her teammates.

Then they started saying some stuff that I couldn’t understand cause I don’t play Apex Legends. It’s hard for me to be excited for or properly report on what this stuff is about, cause I’m just not a huge fan of Apex Legends.

BATTLEFIELD V

In an attempt to drum up some hype for their fledgling release from last year, EA marched out a half hour of Battlefield V news. Once again, I’m not a huge fan of Battlefield these days, but here we go anyway.

They announced a new map that unsurprisingly looks beautiful and chaotic as hell and should be out sometime in July. Shortly after, they showed a sizzle reel of some other, equally pretty and chaotic maps that are due out in July.

It’s always really interesting to me that in these demos, they never show off the true gameplay loop of Battlefield. There’s always a lot of people mowing each other down in mid to close range combat, but in reality, the experience is more of you spawning in, and then immediately getting sniped.

This entire section of the presentation felt similar to the apology tour they did last year with Star Wars: Battlefront II. Not that they were apologizing, but they hammered the point home that they were responding to community feedback in crafting the new maps and modes.

It’s nice to see that EA isn’t straight up abandoning Battlefield V despite it under performing for them, but rather, supporting the community they have. It seems like a course correction in the public image issues EA has had for a while, where they appear to drop any unsuccessful game instead of supporting it. It’s a smart move, and I hope it’s indicative of a more permanent change as opposed to a temporary solution.

Anyway, this wasn’t what I’d call a super exciting portion of the presentation. It felt like they took a map pack announcement trailer, and spread it out over a half hour.

FIFA 20

Man, I don’t know. They’re doing some FIFA Street style mode which seems like it could be fun, but I really am not the target audience on this one. I mean, I enjoyed the “street” series of games they once made, but it isn’t enough to make me buy a FIFA game.

Also, I should mention, for the first half of the time slot for this presentation, they just talked about the concept of street football (soccer) instead of actually showing any gameplay. I get it, I do. There’s a massive cultural relevance for this product and mode, but it really felt like they didn’t have much in the way of additional announcements for the upcoming FIFA.

At this point I started to zone out and stare into the background of the shots. There were a lot of people with umbrella hats on, and I’m so thankful for that. They must’ve been selling them nearby, and even if they were free, they were too expensive. Also, a lot of people waving in the background and generally being a nuisance.

ANTHEM

Anthem showed up for a cool 3 minutes. Basically a short apology tour, saying things like “we’re responding to the community” and such. It was just standard stuff about how they’re fixing things and working hard.

MADDEN NFL 20

Welcome to football town folks, they have more umbrella hats here. This year in football town, there’s a career mode for your created player, new playbooks, challenges for ultimate team stuff, and something called “X-Factor abilities” which seem to be superstar specific buffs that you can unlock in-game by completing player specific challenges.

I think I went to the restroom while this segment was going on. I don’t know, it’s a shiny new Madden that I’m sure people will love.

THE SIMS 4

Rounding out the 3 hour event was The Sims 4. They started with an expansion pack called Island Living, which looks like exactly what you think it would be. Lots of beaches, jet-skis, sandcastles, and coral reefs. Cleaning up beach garbage and beach parties were also in the mix, as well as a mermaid.

You can have dolphin buddies, which seems pretty rad. And I’m pretty sure they just implied that mermaids and dolphins fuck. So thanks for that disturbing visual, EA.

Oh good, they decided to play a video from a YouTube content creator. An influencer if you will. But this person did announce that The Sims 4 was including gender neutral and LGBTQ pride items to the game, which is very cool.

And then they announced a magic themed pack that’s coming later in the year. So, Harry Potter fans, get pumped.

EA Play is a weird thing. It’s like EA is trying to do both the established E3 event thing, and the streaming to consumers thing. It isn’t a bad way to do a conference or event, but when there was so little to announce, it just felt lifeless.

I will say that I thought every host they had on the show, teetered between enthusiastic, and supremely annoying, but hey, that’s their job. Aside from that, the biggest news has to be at the very end when a man in an umbrella hat, holding a camera and an anime body pillow stood in the background and waved at the camera. Great job everyone.

The Master of Disaster: Puzzle Masters – 02

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Puzzles are hard. Or at least they can be. This is story of one particular puzzle that I made for my players that absolutely flummoxed them for way longer than it should have. It’s this experience that has led me to make sure that my puzzles going forward, are no harder than those children’s toys where you put the right shape in the right hole.

The party was on the trail of a werewolf that had been terrorizing the outskirts of the city, wreaking havoc on local farms as well as businesses in the city by destroying their shipments.

The party had some leads which led them to a local police force that was able to give them some information on a mostly uncharted area of the wilderness. With this information, the party headed to a clearing that led to the entrance of a collapsed mine. Above the mine was a large flat piece of land that they surmised might have an entrance to the cave below.

This is where things got tricky. See, there was a small cottage up there, something they were very hesitant to investigate. Inside of the cottage were a few things. In front of them was a series of 5 large levers jutting out from the wall, all in the bottom position. There was also, and I quote “a tall dresser, a bed, a coat rack, and a long coffee table in the room, but no sign of any life.” The “puzzle” as it were, was that from left to right, the position of the levers corresponded to the height of items in the room.

It took these fools 30 minutes to figure this out. One of my players basically checked out during it, admitting defeat to my very complex word games. It was astounding to me. Once they figured it out, the door locked and the floor opened up. They were now in the mine and ready to continue their pursuit of the werewolf.

What I came away with, is that even the simplest puzzle, can flabbergast anyone. So much for my next brilliant puzzle idea where one person tells the truth and the other always lies.

Blog: Calm Before the Storm – 06/05/19

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Next week the video game world goes bonkers with announcements and news that tantalize us with all the shiny new things to come in the near future. So before that happens, I wanted to just do one last games roundup before the storm hits and my motivation to continue playing these titles dries up.

THE OUTER WILDS

The Outer Wilds is a game I desperately want to put more time into. The basic premise is that you’re a creature whose people have figured out the most ramshackle way to explore their solar system. They’ve hobbled together spaceships out of wood and glue, and have conscripted you into their space program to have you explore the depths of space and learn about a mysterious race of technologically advanced aliens that have essentially vanished. Or at least that’s what I’m aware of so far.

The game is purely about exploring and learning as you follow the many weaving and winding story threads that bring you to every planet in your solar system. Each planet is hand crafted and has it’s fair share of hidden secrets and stories to uncover. There isn’t much in the realm of gameplay aside from steering your ship and trying not to fall in big holes or run out of oxygen, but the sense of tension this game is capable of instilling is unreal. That and the mystery gets really good after about the first thirty minutes of playing.

I am so excited to see where the game goes from here.

DAUNTLESS

I’ve written about Dauntless before, so my thoughts on the game as an early access product are pretty well documented. But, it did recently get a full release on PC, PS4 and Xbox One, which warrants a little bit of discussion.

Since it released, I’ve only been able to play it once. The servers have been getting hammered by the ridiculously high amount of people trying to play the game. That’s a good sign for the creators I bet, but less fun for me. But from the one session I did play, the game is still good, and something that I’ll be checking in with periodically.

X-MEN DESTINY

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I actively went to the mall the other day to buy this hunk of shit game from 2011. I remember it being bad, and surprise, it didn’t age like fine wine.

It sucks too, because X-Men Destiny has a cool concept, where you basically choose a new mutant to become an X-Man, and go on adventures with them. Unfortunately, everything else in the game sucks shit. The combat requires you to know just how to hit the X button over and over. The art is terrible and the game runs like garbage. Every ounce of “quest design” in the game is lifeless and uninspired. From tip to toe, this entire game is bad… but I still wanted to play it again.

That’s been my past week in video games. High highs, and low lows. But with E3 around the corner, who knows what I’ll be doing with my time outside of just writing things for this website along with the occasional snarky tweet.

THIS IS THE ONLY PICTURE I COULD FIND WITH DING DONGS IN IT!

Oh, and real quick, there’s a game on Steam that’s currently listed as a “top seller” called Bonecraft whose presence on Steam fascinates me. Not because I’m eager to play it, but just how awful it looks. The pictures are of Orcs and elves and stuff just boning down. And I just watched the Steam trailer and it’s worse than anything I’ve ever seen before. There’s penis monsters and people doing George W. Bush impressions, so I think this game is from like 2006 and is meant to parody World of Warcraft… but with dicks and stuff.

I don’t think I’m exited for E3 or even video games in general anymore. Maybe I’ll take up knitting.

Blog: The Guessing Game of E3 2019 – 05/29/19

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In less than two weeks time we’ll be waist deep in the bog that is E3 once again. There are plenty of conversations that we could have about the obsolescence of the conference itself, but for the time being, I just want to scrounge together a sort of wish list for the event. With several companies not attending, including Sony, and the knowledge of a new console generation right around the corner, this year is probably going to be fairly lite in terms of big announcements.

I could probably just write the word “games” over and over, but I just want to hit on like one or two things from each conference that I’d like to see.

MICROSOFT

Microsoft is kicking off E3 with their conference, in what I think could be the most interesting conference of the entire show. It’s no secret that the Xbox One didn’t set the world on fire and was easily overtaken by the PlayStation 4 in terms of market share. Since their rocky launch, they’ve tried to right the ship since then by taking a very pro-consumer stance with their ‘Play Anywhere’ initiative, which allows for Xbox exclusives to be playable on Windows, their push to make online games allow players on any console to play with each other, and my personal favorite, the Xbox Adaptive Controller, which brings accessibility to a whole new level.

I’m genuinely excited to see what the next generation looks like under this new era of Xbox, but till then, I’m gonna just list some stuff I would love to see out of them this year.

FABLE 4

For my money, if Fable 4 came out and incorporated a large world, devoid of loading screens, with the fun yet admittedly shallow combat from Fable 2, I’d be happy. The Fable franchise has always traded on cheeky humor and robust world building, but I think it would be nice if we could make good on some of those promises that Peter Molyneux made back before the first Fable came out, and include more of those clockwork systems that make the world feel more alive.

HALO INFINITE

Look, I don’t know what they’re planning with Halo Infinite, but regardless of if it’s the conclusion to the story we’ve all wanted or a big pile of garbage, I just want to know. Just let me play this game and move on with my life. It’s not like I’ve been waiting a terribly long time, but I think I’m just so exhausted with Halo, that I just want it to be over with. If it was good, that’d be great, but even if it isn’t, I just need to know.

NEW CONSOLE

I swear, if this next console isn’t just called the Xbox Two, I’m gonna lose my shit. Although in all fairness, it would be absolutely hilarious if they just called this thing like “XCUBE” or “ULTRABOX.” I don’t know that I’m ready for a new console generation, but I don’t really have a choice in the matter. Regardless, I’d like some functionality stuff to be talked about. Are we doing a disc drive? Do all the Xbox One games work? How about the accessories like controllers? How big of a deal is streaming? Just some cool bullet points would be great.

BETHESDA

Look, I don’t like Bethesda games that much. They’ve all felt janky to me in one way or another, and I never got into any of the settings they played around in. I’m not a big post-apocalypse guy, and even less of a high fantasy fella, so I’ve basically eliminated most of their modern lineup. That said…

STARFIELD

What I wouldn’t give for any information about this game. I know that this is behind Elder Scrolls IV in the queue, and almost certainly wont be on this current generation of consoles, but a man can dream.

I’m just looking for something that can vaguely fill that Mass Effect sized hole in my heart. While I hate that Bethesda stands the best chance at this moment, I have to stay hopeful that a good sci-fi action RPG that let’s me shoot aliens or bone down with them is somewhere on the horizon.

AN APOLOGY

Imagine it; Todd Howard walks on stage with his head hung low. He steps up to the lone microphone on the stage with a single house light shining upon it. Andrew W.K. is notably not there, or if he is, he’s singing a dramatic and somber version of one of his party songs. Todd clears his throat and speaks into the mic with tears in his eyes. “We fucked up, y’all. We really goobered it up on this one. Fallout 76? Yeah, we did a bad on that.” Then he eats a canvas bag that says Fallout 76 on it, and melts into a puddle.

UBISOFT

Man, I really like the turn that Ubisoft has had this generation. They’ve stuck with their games in a way that very few developers do, and cultivate these lively communities around their games. For Honor, Rainbow Six Siege, The Division 2, and Ghost Recon Wildlands just to name a few. I’m pretty stoked to see what they do this year.

SOME PATENTLY CRAZY CONFERENCE BULLSHIT

For those not in the loop, Ubisoft has the fucking most wild press conferences ever. Usually there’s people in costumes dancing, a game of laser tag in the auditorium, and Mr. Caffeine, the strangest man ever. Ubisoft, whether intentionally or not, has made their conference twice as exciting by just being themselves.

SPLINTER CELL

I will forever ask for another one of these. I love Splinter Cell, with Splinter Cell Chaos Theory being one of my favorite games of all time, it’s been upsetting to see Ubisoft shove Sam Fisher and his cool goggles into a closet. I want another one of these games. I thought Blacklist was cool, but it didn’t scratch the itch I needed it to. I’m ready to see Sam Fisher snap necks and hang from the ceiling like he did in the old days.

WATCH DOGS 3

If I can’t have Splinter Cell, give me this instead. The lack of an Assassin’s Creed this year along with a ton of rumors about the next Watch Dogs taking place in London, all lend credence to the almost inevitable announcement of Watch Dogs 3. The rumor of it being set in London makes me even happier, considering one of the biggest issues with Watch Dogs 2, was how flippantly your character went from graffiti enthusiast, to armed assassin. Setting the game in a place without guns adds to the likelihood that more focus will be put on the puzzle aspects of the game, rather than the shooty shooty killing part of it. Don’t get me wrong, I liked Watch Dogs 2, but I think they did themselves a disservice by letting you use shotguns and pistols.

THE OTHER STUFF

Ubisoft is really good about the, “one more thing” part of E3. They announce some big sequels, along with some really intriguing new franchises. I’d like a progress update on Beyond Good & Evil 2, maybe see what other Nintendo collaborations they have up their sleeves, or even see them tackle some more sports in a follow up to Steep. Ubisoft has my attention most of the time, except for that boat game they announced. I don’t give a damn about their pirate thing.

SQUARE ENIX

I… I don’t really know. I guess people really wanna see that Final Fantasy 7 remake, but I just could not give less of a shit. I genuinely do not know what to even ask for here. I’m looking at their Wikipedia page, and maybe like, 5 games are jumping out at me.

They probably aren’t doing another Tomb Raider just yet, Thief and Sleeping Dogs are basically dead at this point, and they just released Just Cause 4 last year. Aside from Life is Strange, they’ve really got nothing I want. Although according to their Wikipedia page, that untitled Avengers project is still a thing, and I haven’t played a good superhero game in a very long time.

Aside from that, I can’t really think of anything I want from them. Surprise me, Square Enix. Surprise me.

NINTENDO

Alright, here’s the situation: Nintendo already announced two games that I’m very excited for, and a bunch of others that mean relatively little to me. I have no doubt that something will catch my attention during their Nintendo Direct, but here’s what I’d like.

MARIO 2 STYLE IN MARIO MAKER 2

Like, just fucking do it Miyamoto. Do the thing we all want for once, and put the game in the other game. Mario Maker 2 looks fantastic, and seems to be fixing a lot of the shortcomings of it’s predecessor, so just fucking do the damn thing.

ANYTHING ABOUT ANIMAL CROSSING

Please?

MARIO RPG

I know I’ll never get a sequel to Super Mario RPG on the Super Nintendo, but how about another Paper Mario game? We’ve done enough of those Mario & Luigi games that were fine, but hit me with the big one. Give me another Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door or something. You did the Mario and Rabbids thing, and that surprisingly worked out pretty well. So just do this thing for me, okay?

CONTINUE TO NEVER GIVE WALUIGI ANYTHING

Fuck Waluigi.

That’s what I’ve got so far, maybe next week I’ll look into some of the companies that aren’t doing conferences, and grossly speculate about what they could make, if they had to listen to me.

Blog: The Yard Boy – 05/22/19

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Crap, they went ahead and did it you guys. The people who made that House Flipper game that took over my life a few months ago, released some DLC. Luckily, it’s all about gardening, something I have even less interest in doing than cleaning. Oddly enough though, I did 100% all the missions it had to offer in a few hours, so maybe I do like gardening.

No, that can’t be it. The reasons for my love of this and games like it is something I’ve covered plenty before and thus, don’t need to reiterate. But I still do have some thoughts on House Flipper, or more specifically its DLC, Garden Flipper.

You ever invert your hands to get better leverage on a shovel?

Garden Flipper follows the same structure of the base game, while adding in a handful of new tools and abilities. Obviously, you can plant stuff, which can be fun in the same tedious manner House Flipper is known for. More importantly though, the entire DLC involves surprisingly little flower planting, and more revolves around you making yards and parks into livable and presentable spaces.

One of the missions had me clean a trash filled vacant lot and transform it into an outdoor gym. I started by grabbing all the trash I could find, then shoveling out some of the larger portions of rubble on the ground. Then I followed that with power washing graffiti of the walls, which is funny cause you’re using a simple hose attachment you might use for washing your car to blast the paint off of the fences. From there, I bought a bunch of rolled up turf, unfurled it to cover the gaps in the grass, and proceeded to plant some trees and bushes to make it look pretty. Finally, I laid down some sand, put in the workout equipment and some benches, voila, a park was born.

I am the king of ferns.

It’s a fun, mindless way to kill some time which I appreciated, but the fun was constantly undercut by the crazy amount of bugs I encountered while playing it. I had consistent frame rate drops, regardless of what settings I fiddled with. Even worse, whenever I would go to pick up a trash pile on the ground, the game would freeze for a few seconds upon clicking the rubbish, then pick back up until I went to grab more. And just to clarify, there’s a lot of trash on these maps, so every time I did this, I prayed to the computer gods that the game wouldn’t crash and erase my progress.

Luckily, I never did experience a crash while playing, but I ran into a ton of camera issues that made it impossible for me to do the things I wanted to do, or decorate yards the way I wanted. For instance, I had to build a playground in someones backyard. You know the type, a big wooden thing with a slide and some shit to climb on it, typical backyard stuff. I decided to put it near the garage cause that’s where I had space to place it. I placed the object, but then I had to assemble it. When you assemble things in Garden Flipper, the camera spins around to focus on the object for you to interact with. Except, in this case, I just got a face full of garage wall and was unable to actually build the damn thing. So I had to move it and try again until the camera behaved.

Welcome to my tomb of doors that wont open.

That might seem benign, but in a game where decorating is the core conceit, it seems genuinely fucked that I can’t utilize all the space afforded to me because of a camera issue. Even worse, one time, while rolling out some turf on the front lawn of a house, the camera left the “unrolling turf animation” camera angle, in a position that clipped me inside of the house. Because the doors are not interactive in these missions, I was stranded in this featureless house for a while. Luckily, there’s a way to restart the mission without losing progress, but it shouldn’t have happened in the first place.

Look, at the end of the day, I love House Flipper and all it has to offer. I appreciate that the new tools work in all of the existing maps in the base game, adding another layer of replayability. I still think the game doesn’t do a good job at displaying information, constantly making flip between menus so I can remember what exact item I need to buy. With multiple brand names, styles, plants, and plant heights to contend with, I would appreciate just a straight up shopping list I can click, “buy all” on and call it a day.

The animations in Garden Flipper leave something to be desired.

Garden Flipper is fun in the same ways that House Flipper is. It’s also just as rough around the edges from bugs to UI decisions. But, despite all of that, it’s still a good way to kill a few hours while still watching TV or something.

The Master of Disaster: Introduction – 01

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In the past, I’ve written once or twice about Dungeons & Dragons and how what once was something I’d never touch, has quickly become one of my favorite activities. All of that still holds true, it’s just that in the past few months, I’ve gone from just playing the game, to running it. It took a while to find the rhythm and understand my players, their needs and play styles, but I think I’ve got the hang of it… mostly.

Let me start by saying that I’m having a blast running a campaign for my friends. They’re receptive to my ideas, they challenge me both in game and conceptually, and the whole thing has become an excuse to write more, which I will never turn down. There have definitely been some stumbles and screw-ups along the way, but how else are you gonna learn unless you get messy?

I wont go into every aspect of what I’ve been doing, instead I’ll quickly touch upon my weekly routine. First, I’ll look over the notes I’ve taken from a previous session and see how their actions have impacted the story thus far. Turns out, you can write all the scripts you want, but your players can totally bypass any of it. I’ve had pages of written dialogue and plot development that were just trivialized and passed thanks to an enterprising player of mine. It isn’t a bad thing, it just taught me to loosen the grip on my story, and not get so precious about the details.

Then, I’ll write up a summary of the previous session to post for my players when they inevitably don’t remember a thing from the last session.

After that, I go into planning mode. I look at where the players are in the story, what main quest they can do as well as what side quests are open to them. If the players are in between quests, I have to think of a way to introduce them to the stuff that’s available to them.

Unfortunately, because of how I started our campaign, I’m kind of locked into some things from the adventure module that I don’t really like. For context, I started by using the module, Waterdeep: Dragon Heist, which was a little overwhelming for me as a first time DM. So after about three of four sessions of trying to pronounce names of NPCs and learning their history and motivations, all while trying to keep things moving briskly while being fun, I said “fuck it” and decided to go off book.

At this point, I’ve written about 200 pages worth of main and side stories, character bios, store inventories, and concepts that need to be fleshed out. Maybe in the grand scheme that isn’t a lot, but it feels hefty to me. More to the point though, because I used the Waterdeep book, now I’m stuck with the incomprehensibly poorly named gangs in the city, as well as a city map that’s way too gigantic and intimidating for my players.

After all of the writing and planning, now I have to do my least favorite part of making the maps. We use Roll20, a pretty awesome tool for people to play tabletop games online, but terrible for assholes like me who decide they want to craft bespoke maps for any and every interesting place my players might visit. But I do it, because it makes my players get a sense of place and scale while immersing them in my tapestry of words.

Lastly, on the day of the session, I panic all day, hoping that everything is in order and ready to go. I have to remember the voices of the NPCs they might see which is a fun vocal exercise, but in reality they all end up sounding vaguely the same anyway.

If I had my way, which I guess technically as DM I do, I’d level the entirety of Waterdeep and introduce them to a smaller, more well defined and manageable map to play in. I bit off more than I could chew at the beginning, and now I’m stuck with some of the bullshit from the book.

All things considered, I’m glad I went off book. Making my own characters and knowing them and their origins helps me have more valuable conversations with players. No longer do I have to worry if I gave something away or said something that character doesn’t really know. No longer do I have to feel bad for not knowing the long lineage of the Neverwinter family. Why? Cause they don’t fucking exist in my world anymore. They all died when a pack of gorillas rampaged through their home and ate them.

Going this route has been a lot of extra work, but it’s work that I love. I’ve never felt so creatively satisfied until I started writing and brainstorming for this campaign. I also get to play fast and loose with the rules that just makes the game more enjoyable for everyone. I’m not gonna make someone collect the core ingredients they need for a spell, cause that sounds super boring. I’m here to tell a tale of whimsy and adventure, not to orate a session of Rust.